Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
You Might Also Like
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
where the womens at?
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
We’re all getting idioter.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
WHO DID THIS?
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.