A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
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me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.