Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
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HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.