Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
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“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Who.
Did.
This?
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes