The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
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Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
omg leave her alone