*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
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[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat