My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
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Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
The struggle is real
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
why no one uses midhusbands
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.