I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
You Might Also Like
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.