“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.