I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
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wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
i now pronounce you bounced.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.