My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
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14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
just left a huge legacy in there
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.