I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
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I really would love to see two mimes arguing
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.