Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
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[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
🤣🤣
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.