People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
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Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
If only