when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
You Might Also Like
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Just say no
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no