ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
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[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Breaking news:
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-