I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
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Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”