I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
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I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
He’s dead
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*