Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
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I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all