I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
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Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead