[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
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Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
🍞🦆
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit