sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
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I’m not lazy
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head