I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
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Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
If snakes were wide
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.