The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
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just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian