The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
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I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face