If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
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doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.