7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
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Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..