Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
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You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
just having fun
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours