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Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
me before I type out affect or effect
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here