I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
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when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”