Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
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– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Me if I was a dog
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”