Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
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Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.