No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
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I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
THIS HEADLINE
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.