I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
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*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage