Legend 🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
oh shit
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight