Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
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i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour