What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
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I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus