Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
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GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive