Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
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before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
New menu item
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.