*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
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Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.