My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
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Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Every time my phone rings
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.