When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
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Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
S M O L
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?