sugar glider wrangler
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If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog