So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
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If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?