I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
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My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.