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USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.