Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
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HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all