The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
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One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
ibopfufen
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️