It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
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I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Lmao
me logging onto twitter
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE