It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
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“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine